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| Xanga.. I havent been on this thing in ages. I kind of miss the hype of it. It was more of a place where people shared their thoughts rather than have conversations through 20 comments when they could just call eachother up. The world has become so impersonal. We're all connected but at the same time so disconnected. Where'd the good ol' days go where you could call someone up to have a nice little chat? Friends grow apart so easily nowadays. We're coming to find out who our true friends really are. We have our groups of friends but we've also got our little cliques within them. We've got the people that we talk to in school and the people we cruise with outside of it. Even being part of a group, there are always those that are excluded from the outings and adventures that the rest of the group does together. The excuse is always, "oh, we only planned it last minute" or, "oh, we didnt think you wouldnt want to drive all the way out there." One excuse after another. We lie, lie, lie to eachother's faces and call ourselves friends. Seperation really tests the boundries of frienship. Who will be there in the end? Who's gonna have my back till the end of time? Will I still talk to anyone from high school? Will I still care about them as much as I did when we were closer than two peas in a pod? Will college change us? Will life simply break us apart? I wanna know this. I wanna know what life's got in store for me. I dont know what I want now. I dont know who I am now. All I know is that I'm expected to graduate, to get through college and to go off and be an independent adult living in this scary world. Will I be alone in this world or will I have a hand to hold? Will I grow old alone? So many unanswered questions and so many possibilites. There are so many things that come to my mind while writing this and my thoughts are so scattered. There are a million thoughts I could break off into but it would never end. So simply put, life is a mystery and some how we're expected to live it and get through it not knowing what's in store for us next. Not knowing if there'll be someone standing there next to us to help us get through it all. | | |
| How many of us will truely stay friends until the day that we die? How close do you think we'll stay in college? And what about after college? Will we be calling eachother everyday? Once a week? Once a month? Every six months? Once a year? Life is going to test the bonds between everyone and I'm scared that I'm never going to have friends again. Friends that I can just call on a whim because I feel like having a chat, or friends that I can run to when I need a good cry. Will I ever find that one friend that will be there for me endlessly through everything and anything? I was looking at Justin Troung's myspace and all the comments that people leave him. Everytime I see how many people he's touched and how kind he was to each and everyone of them, I wonder if I'd ever have an impact on people like that. I wonder if my friends see me as a person that will always be there for them no matter what. I wonder people in general see me and how I come off as a person when i first meet people. There's this one girl, I think her name is Naomi, but she leaves Justin comments all the time, and when I read her comments, it makes me sad. It makes me feel like my whole world is lost, even though i barely know her, her words and her heartache touches me. She and Justin were close. She says that she misses him and that everday she thinks about him, leaves him messages on his voicemail even when she knows he can never return them, and you know just by reading it, she's not just saying that. Justin was really a part of her life and he was always there for her to listen and comfort or to just have fun with whenever. I wonder sometimes if I pass away, will there be that many people as devastated by my death? Would people really care what happened to me? Or am I just here, existing? With no one that would even notice that I was gone. I think of all these things and all these situations and when I think even more, I wonder how I would be if one of my friends died. I couldnt even imagine having that happen to me. Seeing someone just that morning and finding out the next day that I would never be able to see them, never be able to talk to them, never be able to pick on them, never be able to crack jokes with them ever again is a scary thought. Everytime I think of it, I break down. The spirit inside of me would die if one of my friends were ever gone because each one of them is a part of me. Each one is a person I can go to and each one knows me on different levels. I care about all of my friends from the bottom of my heart but sometimes I wonder if I'm at the bottom of theirs. | | |
| iTS SPRiNG BREAK!
I cant wait to celebrate! Its been so much fun the past couple of days and its only been the weekend! We have the rest of the week ahead of us! And even though all these fun times are just waiting and calling me, I still have questions and an unrestless mind over matters that cannot be solved. Problems that only I can answer and ones that cannot be shared with others. Simply because they're not questions or problems that can be solved unless you know the full impact of the situation surrounding them. I have found that going to a friend cannot always help me to shed myself of my doubts and fears because even though they can sympathize for you they will never fully empathize with you which makes all the difference when giving advice. I have a hard time expressing my emotions the way i feel them. My explanations never come out quite as accurate as i would like them to be, therefore making it harder to get my point accross and never getting an answer that satisfies my need for a direction to go in. I have no idea why I am writing this blog but i feel that i have to write something down. I need an outlet. I need time. I need a sign. I need anything to help me and make me feel better. How do you know when what you're going through is meant to happen? How do you know that what you're doing now isnt a big mistake? How do you know that you're being given a sign, right in front of you? What if you do know, but you dont know whether or not you should take it? How do you know anything? Why dont we know anything? | | |
| Senior year is just around the corner. Can you believe it? Its surreal to think that around this time next year, we'll be thinking about college. It seems like it was just yesterday I was sitting down in my first tri classes thinking, "how the hell am I going to make it through another year?" It wasnt hard though. With great friends and good times, it made the time fly by. I've had many great experiences this year, one's that will help me to grow stronger as a friend but especially as a person. Im saddened everytime I think of what's ahead of us. Yes, its great that we'll be out of the grasp of our parents, out of the iron fist of the high school administration but what happens to all the friendships? The memories? The laughs and good crys? Will we ever have them again? Will we still be as tight as we always say we'll be? Will i fail or will I exceed my own personal limitations? Will one of us become a multi-millionaire? Will one of us become a bum on the street? In 10 years, if you saw me on the side of the street asking for money, would you help me? Would you remember me? How much do I really mean to you as a friend? Its scary to think that we're almost legal adults. We're supposed to be at a state of mind where we can make person life decisions on our own and we're expected to be competent of those decisions. Am I really ready to make those decisions? Am I ready for the responsibility of my own life? Life is a great mystery and Im not sure Im ready to uncover it just yet. | | |
| A new trimester
A new beginning
A new me... | | |
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